


practical application of pigeons

by i_was_human



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Monopoly (Board Game), No Beta, baekhyun-typical chaos, battle for custody, mark lee: a millenial, no beta we die like kai in monopoly, one [1] wholesome segment, yixing sees any sm idol who speaks chinese and just goes "mine now"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29704347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: Cause: Yixing finds out about the existence of WayVEffect: Yixing flies to Korea, tries to bribe them to food, and Baekhyun retaliates as ridiculously as expected.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun & Kim Jongin | Kai & Lee Taemin, Byun Baekhyun & Zhang Yi Xing | Lay, Zhang Yi Xing | Lay & Everyone
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	practical application of pigeons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ActivelyWeird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActivelyWeird/gifts).



Yixing's at home when he first finds out about SuperM, and if he's being honest, that's probably for the best.

He's sitting on his couch and scrolling through his Twitter feed when a notification from a group chat pops up on his screen - a group chat he's _very_ surprised to be getting a message from at two-thirty in the afternoon.

 _Officially_ , the group chat doesn't exist. _Officially_ , EXO don't text him often, and they only communicate on the rare occasions when he's in Korea.

Unofficially, they have a secret group chat for all nine of them that's the main receptacle for the beagle line's memes, Junmyeon's nagging, and the cute animal photos Jongin sends from literally every other idol he knows.

* * *

_**We Are Nine** _

**Baekhyunnie**  
i cannot believe  
i cannot bELIEVE  
  
once again reminded of the AUDACITY  
the fucking GALL

 **Chanyeollie**  
?

 **Dae~**  
?

 **Baekhyunnie**  
how dARE HE NOT TELL ME HE WAS PLANNING TO TWIN  
THIS COULD BE PERFECT TEAM UNITY  
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT  
WE COULD ALL DYE OUR HAIR

 **Myeonnie**  
Do not.

 **Baekhyunnie**  
you hold no power here

 **Dae~**  
he has a point

 **Sehunnie**  
You never hold any power

 **Myeonnie**  
I

 **Baekhyunnie**  
aNYWAYS  
JONGIN-AH  
HOW DARE YOU  
THIS BETRAYAL CANNOT BE FORGIVEN

 **Chanyeollie**  
CANNOT

 **Dae~**  
CANNOT

Who is that?

 **Baekhyunnie**  
ahh are you this out of the loop? ㅋㅋㅋ  
that's yukhei-yah  
from wayv

Wavy?

 **Chanyeollie**  
tHAT'S WHAT I SAID  
WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR GROUP AFTER A STYLE

 **Kyungsooie**  
Wavy isn't a style.

 **Dae~**  
IKR

 **Baekhyunnie**  
terrible naming smh  
cannot believe the gall of sm

 **Dae~**  
the audacity

 **Chanyeollie**  
the lion and the witch and the audacity of this bitch

 **Myeonnie**  
No cursing!

 **Sehunnie**  
Fuck.

 **Chanyeollie**  
aren't you literally twelve

 **Sehunnie**  
You're in a subunit with me, dipshit.

 **Chanyeollie**  
did i stutter

 **Sehunnie**  
Clearly.

 **Baekhyunnie**  
ORDER ORDER IN THE COURT

 **Myeonnie**  
What court???

 **Chanyeollie**  
you're literally a child

 **Sehunnie**  
Says the child.

 **Dae~**  
ahh the team unity  
really feeling the we are one you guys

 **Seokkie-ge**  
We are none~

 **Baekhyunnie**  
fOCUS  
WE NEED JONGIN-AH TO ANSWER FOR HIS CRIMES

 **Dae~**  
TRIAL

 **Chanyeollie**  
TRIAL

NONE OF YOU TOLD ME THERE WAS A CHINESE GROUP  
PLEASE THEY'RE SO SMALL?????  
I WANT TO PROTECT THEM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY SOUL  
LOOK AT THEM  
  
HOW COULD YOU KEEP THEM FROM ME

 **Baekhyunnie**  
you cannot have them D:<  
i need them for comeback!!!!!!!

 **Myeonnie**  
Don't you only have two of them?

 **Baekhyunnie**  
they're a package deal  
can't take just one  
all of them follow yukhei-yah and sicheng-ah like ducklings

 **Seokkie-ge**  
*and kun-ah

I'll be right back!  
I'm going to go watch everything they've ever done ever!

 **Baekhyunnie**  
YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM  
YIXING-HYUNG  
YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM  
THEY'RE MINE  
HYUNG NO  
HY U NG

 **Jonginnie**  
Did I miss Yixing-hyung? D:

 **Baekhyunnie**  
yOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR CRIMES AGAINST SUPERM  
YOU DON'T GET YIXING-HYUNG UNTIL YOU REPENT

 **Jonginnie**  
D:

 **Myeonnie**  
You have repented. 

**Baekhyunnie**  
wAIT

* * *

_**NCTAEXO** _

**Baek-hyung**  
heh i forgot that was the chat name  
i am the Coolest >:)

 **Jonginnie**  
D:

 **Baek-hyung**  
yOU ARE STILL IN PRISON FOR CRIMES AGAINST SUPERM

gasp  
jonginnie is a dirty crime boy  
cannot believe this

 **Mark~**  
Hyung, didn't you steal from Key-sunbaenim's closet?

hOW COULD JONGINNIE BE SUCH A DIRTY CRIME BOY

 **Jonginnie**  
DDDDDDDDDD:

 **Baek-hyung**  
anyways  
do you guys know lay-hyung

 **Mark~**  
No?

 **Baek-hyung**  
i meant the wayv boys  
ten and yukhei

 **Yukhei!!!**  
Lay-sunbaenim!!!!!!!  
Of course I know Lay-sunbaenim!!!!!

 **Baek-hyung**  
i thought so  
so he just found wayv  
and is now determined to adopt every member of wayv  
do not show him the dreamies

 **Mark~**  
...am I in danger?

 **Baek-hyung**  
no

 **Mark~**  
:(

 **Ten(10)**  
FLEE FROM SM MARKIE  
ESCAPE FOR THE REST OF US  
WE'LL COME AFTER YOU SOMEDAY

 **Taeyong-ah**  
Akjshdfghaihviuaero

 **Baek-hyung**  
than you taeyong-ah  
anyways  
don't let lay-hyung catch you alone  
he has a way with cute things  
also terrifying things  
except pigeons  
google dot com where to buy trained pigeons

 **Jonginnie**  
D:  
Hyung's afraid of pigeons, though...

 **Yukhei!!!**  
Then no pigeons!!!  
I really want to meet him DDDD:  
He's so cool DDDD:

 **Ten(10)**  
wait i just came in for mark being emo who are we talking about

 **Baek-hyung**  
lay-hyung

 **Ten(10)**  
OH  
HE'S WEIRD  
I LOVE IT  
ONE TIME I SAW HIM IN THE HALLS AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE FUTILITY OF LIFE WHILE CHUGGING A COFFEE  
ABSOLUTE ICON

 **Mark~**  
We stan

 **Baek-hyung**  
stan exo cowards

stan shinee  
shinee>>>>>>>>exo

 **Yukhei!!!**  
Taemin-hyung raises a good point

 **Ten(10)**  
he does in fact raise a good point

 **Baek-hyung**  
wHAT IS THIS

 **Mark~**  
Why not stan both?

 **Taeyong-ah**  
Makrh wariases a veyr ogod poinbt

 **Baek-hyung**  
taeyong-ah go to bed you're drunk

 **Mark~**  
It's 1:30 in the afternoon

 **Taeyong-ah**  
Oh fuck

gASP  
HE SAID THE FUCK WORD

 **Mark~**  
For those of you watching at home, Taeyong-hyung just bolted out of the dorm with one shoe on, a toothbrush   
in his mouth, and wearing jeans I'm around ninety percent sure are Johnny-hyung's. 

**Baek-hyung**  
he's wilding  
wait  
oh shit  
lay-hyung is on his way to korea  
GOOGLE DOT COM WHERE TO BUY TRAINED PIGEONS

* * *

Ah, Yixing missed Korea.

Well. He missed _EXO_ , really, but Korea comes with EXO, so he missed Korea!

It takes him a few hours to head to EXO's dorm and drop off his things (he does run into Chanyeol, which is a welcome surprise - for him, not for Chanyeol, who was apparently trying to write a diss track? Out of spite? Yixing really doesn't understand his bandmates sometimes) but once he's done, he's got his sunglasses, phone, mask, and pepper spray, and he's ready to go seek out WAYV.

Well. Two members of WAYV. But two leads to seven, and then he finally has Chinese dongsaengs who didn't leave because of horrific company mismanagement!

Honestly, if you ignore how a part of him is still mourning EXO-M, then this is an absolute win!

Jongin's the one to answer the door, and his lips curl into a bright smile as soon as he sees Yixing, the younger man hurtling into his arms in an instant. Yixing catches him - somehow, because _damn_ is Jongin buff - and his groupmate beams at him for a moment, eyes scrunching up in a grin.

_"I missed you!"_

Oh...

"You've been practicing Chinese?" Yixing asks in Korean, and Jongin nods, smile growing even wider.

_"Yes! I've been... working hard!"_

"You're doing great," Yixing assures him, and Jongin nods, dropping his hands and taking a step back.

"Ah... Yukhei-yah and Ten-ah were actually helping."

Speaking of-

"You can't have them!" Baekhyun shouts, skidding in view armed with only a spatula and what looks to be a pair of child's scissors. "They're my dongsaengs!"

Yixing stares at him for a moment - at his mismatched, different-sized socks, at his messy hair, at the fact that he's only wearing shorts and a hoodie that's around three sizes too large - and makes the executive decision that Baekhyun, too, needs a hug.

"No!" Baekhyun protests, but there's no bite to it. "My grand pigeon plan!"

"Your what?"

* * *

Goddamn _Yixing_.

Baekhyun sulks in the hall as Yixing whips up the most impressive-looking dinner he's ever seen cooked in this dorm - Taeyong's impressive pinch meals included. It looks like he went all-out, multiple side dishes cooking all at once, and goddammit, Baekhyun is _losing_.

He _cannot_ lose Ten and Yukhei to Yixing! 

Even if Yixing is nice and a good cook and technically his hyung!

"I've called you both here for a very important meeting," he starts, and Jongin and Taemin exchange looks before staring at him with an intensity that really belongs in a photoshoot instead of their dorm bathroom.

"What do you need?" Taemin asks, and Baekhyun leans back a bit to avoid the combined... _smolder_ of the two main dancers.

Do they know they're doing this? Can they turn it down?

"We need to keep Ten and Yukhei on our side!" Baekhyun insists, slamming his fist into his palm. "Yixing is trying to kidnap them!"

Taemin snorts into his palm, and Jongin shrugs, resting his elbows on his thighs. "He's just excited to meet other Chinese SM idols, y'know. After..."

"Zitao-yah!" Taemin exclaims, jolting upright and snapping his fingers.

Jongin and Baekhyun wince in tandem, and Taemin winces along with them before clapping his hands. "See, see, I got it- they remind him of Tao-yah!"

"Are you sure," Baekhyun deadpans, trying to mentally draw similarities between his former groupmate and Ten and Yukhei. "Are you _sure_."

"Yukhei-yah is tall," Taemin states, voice carrying all the grandeur of someone who thinks they've discovered the secrets of the universe, "and Ten-ah is a dancer."

Baekhyun stares at him for a moment, waiting for him to elaborate, but he never does.

"Do we have a plan?" Jongin asks, and Baekhyun lets his head fall into his hands, a small, pained scream escaping his lips.

* * *

"What smells so good?"

Ten arches a brow, watching as Yukhei bounces on the balls of his feet. "Taeyong-hyung is probably making dinner."

"It smells good," Yukhei repeats, a bright grin on his lips. "C'mon-c'mon-c'mon!"

He bounds forwards, yanking open the door, and _oh_.

 _Zhang fucking Yixing_ is standing at their stove, hair in a ponytail and a beaten-up apron wrapped around his designer clothes, and _where did he come from_?

Actually, on second thought, it's best not to ask. Nobody ever counts the EXO members, and so they've all become adept at magically appearing. 

Still. 

_Zhang fucking Yixing_ is standing in their kitchen.

 _The Zhang Yixing_.

This may or may not be one of the best days of Ten's life.

"Lay-sunbaenim," Yukhei breathes, and Ten tries to disguise his laugh as a cough. "Oh my god- Baekhyun-hyung didn't say- _hi_."

Yixing turns, and _wow_ that is a powerful look to be on the other side of. Ten's just the littlest bit jealous, in all honesty.

Said severe look disappears in an instant as Yixing's lips curl into a smile, and he picks up a bowl, thrusting it in their general direction. _"Want some?"_

Oh, boy.

It's Mandarin.

 _"Yes!"_ Yukhei beams, bounding over to fawn over Yixing's cooking. What a traitor. Man calls himself a Shaewol, and here he is fawning over Yixing's cooking. 

Ten, on the other hand, has absolutely never called himself a Shaewol, and so he can fawn over Yixing's cooking with no regrets.

He's not a traitor. He's just gaming the system.

* * *

"We're losing," Baekhyun hisses, glaring through the crack in the door. "Damn Yixing-hyung and his _niceness_."

"Hyung is just nice," Jongin points out, and Baekhyun stomps on his foot.

"We're going to _win_. What can we use to buy them?"

"Genuine kindness?" Taemin offers, and Baekhyun gives him the blandest look either of them have ever seen.

"I was thinking more like a Rolex. Let's start from there."

"Where are you going to get a Rolex?" Jongin asks, and Baekhyun scowls, glaring at Yixing's stupid good cooking.

"I wasn't saying a Rolex _exactly_. Maybe a car. Or a penthouse."

" _These are just getting harder to get_!"

"Logic has no place in this bathroom," Baekhyun hisses, slapping a hand over Taemin's mouth and only succeeding in muffling around thirty percent of his giggles.

There was an attempt, at least.

"Wait," Baekhyun suddenly states, snapping his fingers and whipping around to stare at them. "Wait. Wait-wait-wait. I know what we have to do."

"What?" Jongin asks, taking over for a still-dying Taemin. 

"We crush him with capitalism," Baekhyun hisses, pounding his hand with his fist.

There's a long pause.

"We're EXO," Jongin states, as if that explains anything. "EXO and SHINEE. We can't crush him with capitalism."

"I meant Monopoly."

"Oh."

Taemin, having apparently decided life is no longer worth living, chokes on a dying wheeze and flops into the bathtub.

* * *

"Hyung!" Baekhyun crows, skidding into the kitchen with a triumphant grin on his lips. "I'm here to challenge you!"

"Challenge me?" Yixing asks, tilting his head to the side. "For what?"

"For Ten-ah and Yukhei-yah!"

Yixing blinks at him once more, and Baekhyun valiantly ignores the noodle slowly sliding off his raised spoon. "You think I'm challenging you?"

"Yes! So I've come to challenge you for them back!"

"Who's challenging?" Yukhei asks, and Ten sympathetically pats his shoulder.

"They're going to battle to the death for custody despite the fact that SM owns our souls."

"Ah."

"Monopoly!" Baekhyun crows, pointing as aggressively as he can at Yixing's chest. "In one hour! Be there or automatically forfeit!"

"Okay," Yixing hums, holding out a bowl. "Do you want some dinner?"

"...yes."

* * *

"Alright!" Baekhyun shouts, clapping his hands together. "We're playing EXO rules! That means no trading to the maknae, you can pay anything, including stuff that isn't cash - Taemin-ah, you're keeping track - and winner gets out of dish duty for a whole week!"

"And we're playing for custody," Yixing gently reminds him, and Baekhyun nods.

"Oh, yeah. That too."

"No dishes," Ten whispers, leaning over to elbow a bewildered Mark's arm. "Do you know how amazing that would be?"

Mark, as always, seems very confused as to how he got here. Sucks to be him. There's no room for confusion in EXO's Monopoly.

(Unless you're Junmyeon. Don't tell him, but they change the rules every time just so he never quite manages to figure out what they are.)

A few rounds go normally, until Yixing somehow manages to not only acquire all three light blues, but also manages to bankrupt Jongin with said light blues. Jongin, surprisingly, seems happy to be bankrupted - though considering their last dorm Monopoly game ended with him covered in cheap beer and silly string, it's probably for the best.

Taemin loses soon after, and Yukhei and Ten follow suit, until it's just Baekhyun and Yixing slowly amassing real estate empires all over the board.

And Mark, but. Well.

He's chosen the browns, and nothing else.

"Ha!" Baekhyun crows, watching as Yixing lands on one of his hotels. "Pay _that_ , hyung!"

Yixing hands over a wad of bills with an amicable smile, and Baekhyun grumbles to himself as he lands on Yixing's very next hotel. 

Their money dwindles with a slew of bad rolls, the wads of cash trading hands slowly withering, and Baekhyun grumbles to himself as he has to sell his last house, glowering at his mortgaged properties as if they've personally offended him.

This is important! He's fighting for the future of SuperM!

At least on the other side of the board, Yixing seems to be in equally dire straits.

The older man reaches out to roll, and Baekhyun tracks the movement of the dice with wide eyes, counting the steps until Yixing stops on-

a brown?

Baekhyun stares - first at the meagre bills in his hands, then at a bewildered Mark - and he watches as Yixing bows his head, slowly passing over his entire empire to Mark.

What the _fuck_?

"I'm broke," Yixing mournfully states, and Mark looks like he just won the lottery.

This is perfect! All Baekhyun has to do is beat Mark and win!

He rolls, lips curling into a mischievous grin as he counts his tiles out. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight- _no_.

"No," Mark breathes, watching as Baekhyun's token lands on his tile. "No, no-no-no- I can't take care of a _hamster_!"

"Sorry, Mark-ah," Ten grins, leaning over to sling an arm over his shoulders. "Guess you got custody."

Baekhyun feels like all of his hopes and dreams have just been crushed in an instant, and from the looks of it, Yixing feels exactly the same.

* * *

"Good game," Yixing amicably greets, and Baekhyun pouts, glaring at the horizon.

"Can't believe I lost to _Mark_. _Mark Lee_. I lost in Monopoly to _Mark Lee_."

"He's nice," Yixing mildly replies, taking a seat next to him. "How've you been?"

"You're asking me this even after our deadly duel?" Baekhyun quips, and Yixing grins, pulling his knees to his chest.

"Yeah."

They sit there for a moment, staring out at the horizon, before Baekhyun sighs, leaning over to bump Yixing's shoulder with his.

"...I missed you a lot, hyung."

"I missed you too," Yixing hums, and Baekhyun can _hear_ the smile in his voice. "Every day."

"Every day?"

"Every day."

Baekhyun sighs a bit at that, resting his chin on his hand. "I wish you could come back more often."

"Yeah..."

"...it's nice when you can, though."

Yixing hums a bit, and Baekhyun smiles as an arm drapes over his shoulders.

Man, does he miss his groupmates.

"...thanks, hyung."

"Of course, Baekhyun-ah."

* * *

"Ah, what a stressful day..."

Yixing smiles to himself as he turns the doorknob to the EXO dorms, the comforting buzz of spending time with company not quite having faded yet. It's always amazing to meet new people - especially when they speak Chinese and are _amazingly talented_ \- so he's sure nothing can ruin this high.

He pushes the door open-

and immediately _screams_.

Sitting on the couch are five perfectly still pigeons, all of them facing the television. As Yixing stares, they slowly swivel their heads to face him, their beady eyes boring into his and seeming to consume his soul.

How are there _pigeons in here_?

Yixing tip-toes forwards, gaze pinned on the adjacent hall that leads to his room. If he can get there, he's home free.

How foolish of him to think it would be that easy. 

As if sensing his taunt to fate, when he takes one larger step, all five birds flutter their wings at once.

Yixing _shrieks_ , taking off at a dead sprint towards his room as the birds follow. He manages to slam his door just in time against the invading balls of feathers and murder, and he shrieks once more, panic thrumming through him as the sound of wing-beats fills the air.

Why _pigeons_?

**Author's Note:**

> for: haniah! happy birthday!
> 
> also taeyong 100% heard that yixing had just disappeared and was trying to steal his members he just. did not know which ones oops


End file.
